"Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You are deciding your life right now."
I came across this TED Talk the other day and thought it was quite inspiring. Here, clinical psychologist Meg Jay was prompting people in their 20s to seize the day, take action and pursue those life goals now instead of waiting until their 30s. Don't just let your 20s pass you by, she said, and I nodded my head in strong agreement.
However, in response to her TED Talk, I wanted to share with you my story of taking too much action in my early-20s towards my life goals.
But first, let's rewind the clock. When I was 7, I came home one day from primary school and told my parents that I would like to be a lawyer when I grow up. They didn't take me seriously back then, mostly because they thought that I did not know what being a 'lawyer' means. The truth is I probably didn't know exactly what being a "lawyer" entails, the 7 year-old me thought that being a "lawyer" meant that I could wear a navy pant suit, carry a brief case (ha!) and wear heels to work in a big tall tower every day. As a primary school kid, that was what I imagined Angie in her 20s will be doing before becoming Partner of a law firm in New York by 30!
So then I became an avid debater in highschool, partaking in Model UN competitions and inter-school debating with the view that these activities will one day make me into a better lawyer. I even threatened to one day "sue" my friends whenever I got into a minor (and often trivial) dispute with them, much to the amusement of my best friend, Jaz.
At university, I took all of the law electives available in my Commerce course to prepare myself for doing the postgraduate Juris Doctor degree. I then fell into a job in tax law, and began my Juris Doctor degree on a part-time basis while I continued working in the corporate world. If that workload itself wasn't enough, I also set the goal of finishing a 6-year part-time degree in 4 years by taking on the extra semesters over Summer. At the age of 23, I felt that I was well on my way to ticking off the goal towards becoming a lawyer.
Then I became a person who was always busy. Too busy for exercise, too busy for friends, too busy for reading anything other than law textbooks and articles about high achieving under-30s who are building multi-million dollars empires. At one point, I even became too busy for fashion - a great passion of my life. I became a person who believed that one should push themselves as far as they could go, and should try and give 120% to every single day so that not a moment is wasted. That's right, not 100%, but 120%. Give more than you can give. Needless to say, this was not a sustainable mindset.
3 years into my law degree (and almost 4 years since I started a corporate job), I burnt out. Majorly. Physically I no longer had enough energy to get me through the full working day, let alone continue the day with night time study. Mentally, I had trouble falling asleep. I was frazzled, distracted, had a lot of trouble concentrating and would struggle to meet deadlines. My breathing was short, and even in yoga classes I felt strange having to take a full breath. This inability to breathe deeply eventually manifested in panic attacks, which would creep up on me particularly during social situations, and make me feel as though if I took a breath, the whole world would fall apart.
In essence, I was seizing the day too much in my early 20s. Giving so much and pushing so much to the detriment of my own physical health and mental wellbeing.
I may not be part of the cohort of young adults that Meg Jay was sending her message to in her TED Talk but I have met the "type" of 20 somethings that she is referring to. The ones who are willing to take life at a pedestrian pace (a sometimes healthy mindset) or those that choose to stay in situations that aren't exactly moving them towards their goals, but it feels better to stay in those situations for now until things are "figured out" (which can be a somewhat self-destructive mindset).
Of course, I use to judge them. The "always push yourself to 120%" me judged those who chose to take things one step at a time and let themselves have some down time instead of running themselves to the ground. After all, why spend time having "down time" when you can tick off more goals and seize more of the day (and I actually did have this conversation with a few girlfriends at a bar one night, and they were baffled that I did not understand the concept of "down time").
My own experience forced me to recognise the benefits of "down time". I still wanted to push myself to 120% every moment of every day, but I knew that this was not the way to go. Even though sometimes I would still feel that twinge of guilt when I've done nothing for the day (generally a Sunday), I now see this as part of building my "identity capital". This is one of 4 ideas from Meg Jay's TED Talk, which in essence, means that you're doing something to add value to who you are. For those that thrive on the "go-go-go" mindset, I think that knowing how to slow down is a part of building your identity capital.
So now, I am taking a semester off from law school and working 4 days a week. That extra day of the week has become my "identity capital" building time, and some days, that just means I'm baking cookies, watching Netflix or not doing much at all. I have 9 more subjects to knock out before I graduate from my law degree, and another six months of practical training before I can officially be a lawyer in Australia. I won't be finishing my 6-year degree in 4 years' time, nor will I be making Partner in a New York law firm by the time I'm 30. For a goal-orientated person like me, not ticking off on these big goals required some internal debate between Ambitious Angie and Practical Angie. But I am learning to sleep better, to breathe better, to work better and to spend time with people who matter to me. Interestingly, while Meg Jay's talk was not aimed at 20-somethings such as myself, it resonated with me and made me think about what it really means to make the most of one's 20s.
My favourite part of her talk was this:
"Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west. Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come."
Indeed, this one good TED Talk will no doubt have an enormous effect for years to come.
xoxo
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